Thursday, October 22, 2009

10 Tips on How to Spot a Scary Mommy

I am writing on the theme introduced by Scary Mommy in her quest contest to find more scary mommies out there. She was inspired by the new movie Motherhood to throw this little party of scary mommy wanna-be's and, since I view myself as an exceptionally scary mommy, I thought I'd share my ideas on what makes a mommy "scary."

Example No. 1:

When preparing for Halloween a scary mommy is not afraid to arm her brood to the teeth. Boys will be boys, and if her little hooligans' faces are shining and joyous as they "kill all the zombies in our perimeter?" Well, why would she want to deny them that happiness by making them wear some stupid Spongebob outift?

Example No. 2:

A scary mommy will run for her camera to get a picture like this. =============>
First, because it is funny to her to see her son look so deadly serious. Second, because she knows it will definitely be a great shot to use on her blog. And, third, because she knows it will make her son's gun-lovin' relatives smile in pride.

Example No. 2 ½:
And a scary mommy knows that even though she may not want her son to grow up to be a professional sniper, she would be proud of him as long as he was the best darned sniper he could be.

Example No. 3:

A scary mommy fosters independence by making the kids do it for themselves. Sure that stove is hot, but with proper tools (oven mitts!) it is perfectly safe and mommy gets to sit back and enjoy her coffee for another few minutes.

Example No. 4:

A scary mommy lets her kids explore a space in whatever way they will get the most out of it. She calls it "tactile learning" and she believes that her spawn are, indeed, "tactile geniuses" as they have climbed over, crawled under, stuck their fingers into, and their tongues on almost every surface of every museum and historically significant place they've ever been. Like at the Roman Baths, where she looked on in bemusement and horror (alternating) as her children leaped from ancient stones and came dangerously close to falling into swimming in the same archaic pools that the Romans used.

Example No. 5:

A scary mommy still poses for a family portrait, no matter how harried and exhausted she may feel. She will pose, but she won't feel compelled to hide her true emotions at the moment.

Example No. 5 ½:

A scary mommy never pretends she is something she is not.

(Exceptions to this rule apply when in the presence of mothers-in-law and exes.)

Example No. 6:

A scary mommy never underestimates the power of candy over a child. And wields that knowledge to produce the desired behavior from her children by offering it, taking it away, or dangling it as a future benefit.

Example No. 7:

A scary mommy knows that she needs time to pursue the other loves in her life to be truly happy. That means she goes on dates with daddy, hangs out with her girlfriends, and has a hobby that doesn't revolve around her children.

Example No. 8:

A scary mommy may not have the energy to party like she used to, but knows that it's okay to cut loose every once and awhile. And she will still do a shot, on a party plank, even if she really hates them.

Example No. 9:

A scary mommy takes the time to find beauty in the things that her children love. Even if they give her the creeps, the willies, or the heebie-jeebies.

Example No. 10:

A scary mommy never takes herself too seriously.


Motherhood opens tomorrow and, besides having a personal interest in the subject (it's about a mom/writer/blogger!), I hope that all the moms in America will go see it because the director is a woman and a mom, too. And it is do or die for women directors in Hollywood, people. We have to support movies like this to show the studio heads that there is money to be had by making movies for us. So get your lady-friends together for a night out and show Hollywood that movies about real life issues, not just fantasy fashion (I'm talking to you my Sex & the City sisters), will make us turn out to the movie theaters in droves. I also understand, from early reviews, that the movie is great for husbands. Dads get represented fairly and even get to have a say in how their lives have been changed because of the responsibilities of parenthood. It is unusual for dads in movies or tv to get a fair shake, so it thrills me that Anthony Edwards gets to play a guy that is not being cuckolded or is a buffoon. I can't wait to see it and will be waiting impatiently over here in the UK for its arrival!


  1. Scary Mommy's are the favorite among kids everywhere!

  2. Love this post. I do most of those and should do more of them! Thanks!

  3. I loved these pictures and the captions were great fun to read as well.

    Frankly, I think it's healthy to be a scary mommy because way too many moms are STILL trying to be June Cleaver. If anything at all goes wrong in my 39 year-old son's life, I instantly look at every minute of our lives together to figure where I went wrong.

    You are so very healthy and have given us a much-needed different insight into a less stressful way to do it. Thank so very much.

  4. This is great! Love the shot plank and climbing on the ruins! One funny scary Mommy. I am now following!

  5. I'm just impressed that you are actually IN a picture. Especially since you are so often behind the camera.

    Great list - I think I can relate to pretty much all of them.

  6. do scary mummy's hide in the washroom going #2 while reading their fav. blog's? by the way have you seen "the wild things" yet ? i sobbed !!! yup!!! i did !!
    best movie i have seen in a long time!! girls can be wild things too :-)))))

  7. To Anon - I totally hide in the bathroom. With the tub water running...

    Scary Mommy. LOVE it! Esp the shot plank?!

  8. I love these pictures.

    And now I want a party plank.

  9. I remember that last shot....I think it was the image from the first ever post of yours I read, way back when :) Your night out in a karaoke bar :))))

  10. So scary is the new keenest coolest mommy ever. I get that. Great post, and great stove by the way (BTW). Was that a perq that came with the move? Reminds me of a stove we left behind when we moved from Birmingham to Massachusetts. I stiil miss that stove, even here in Georgia.

  11. Amy I LOVE the picture of you holding Animal... his head is a blur! Priceless. I know that look. I live it often.

    Rock on mamma!

  12. Your boys are just so handsome, that's what I have to say! :)

  13. LOVE it! I am Scary Mommy for many of the same reasons, too!

  14. Gawd, you are just gorgeous. I love seeing you in front of the camera!!

    And, this about sums it up for me: "A scary mommy never pretends she is something she is not." :)

    So, so happy you played!!


Thoughts appreciated. Advice welcome. Douche-baggery scoffed at then deleted.