( For more beautiful writing, check out Mike's blog, Cry It Out. )
The thing about this piece is that it, along with Black Hockey Jesus' reading of Five, just ripped open my sort-of-healed wound that is my aching desire for a daughter. [Insert obligatory caveat that of course I love my darling three boys HERE.] I hadn't cried once (about this particular pain) in the last few months! I was coming along nicely! (Hmmm. Sounds like denial ain't just a river in Egypt, now doesn't it?)
Since crying myself out at the BlogHer Community Keynote, and don't discount the general stress of my impending departure for England (6 more days!), my feelings are so raw. I am every emotion at once, at any given moment or every day right now.
And then a few days ago a neighbor friend was innocently chatting about her sister (current mother of two boys) who is pregnant with a third. A third that ultrasounds have indicated is a girl. Squueeee! And with a good-natured elbowing, winks at me and says, "But YOU thought you were going to have a girl, too, right? So, she's not betting on it."
And, here we go....
Tears spring forth as my chin quivers and I work to control my bottom lip from rising. I had to excuse myself and practically run back home. The well-meaning (and well-liked) neighbor came over later in the afternoonto apologize. Like she could predict that I would still be touchy about this after almost four years.
******My therapist asked me months ago.... shit, has it been almost a year?.... whether I had taken the time to grieve for the daughter I'll never have. I thought I had. But, I guess like any other loss that one sustains, there will always be times when the feelings resurface. And ache like they did when the burden of grief was first acquired.
Part of the rawness and emotional rollercoaster-ing is coming from my recent endometrial ablation that, besides the intended purpose of making my periods less severe, ensures that I will never be able to carry a baby to term again. It's not that I wanted to ever get pregnant again. I really didn't.
Um, I mean don't.
It is just so final. It is the end of a chapter. Actually, more like the end of a book. A book that has been a joy to read, but painful in the amount of tears that were shed as you went on the journey of that character's story.
I know there is a whole series of books ahead for me and my family. We have the three years overseas in the UK to look to immediately and there will be countless more adventures, I am sure, as the boys grow up. And, hopefully, there will be daughters-in-laws and granddaughters that I will be able to dote over and love. Making this grief I carry with me now a distant memory.
If you weren't there and have some time to watch them, I'd highly recommend watching the official BlogHer video of the whole Community Keynote:
Be sure you have a box of tissues on hand, though, because you will need them.