You know, I was blessedly unaware of all the brouhaha surrounding What To Wear? to BlogHer next week.... until today. I find myself inexplicably drawn into the fray and starting to worry:
Oh, no! Do I need to go buy Spanx to control my tummy pooch?
(Wait a second- aren't we almost ALL moms there??)
I don't have a nice blazer to wear if I get chilly during the lectures!
Should I go buy one?
Oh, crap, I only have one pair of sexy jeans and they are too low-rise to sit down while wearing!
What if I don't have $170 right now to go get another pair that will hide the crack o' my ass while still maintaining sufficient levels of hawt-ness!?!?
OH super crapola.... I just realized that I am due to get my period on the Friday of BlogHer. Expect supreme bitchiness and no emoticons to soften it up! Oh, No! :( or more tears than you might be comfortable with. Example:
ªDon't get your hopes up: FADKOG can't make it. :( Wait a sec.... I think some more waterworks are coming on! Boooohooohooo~sniffle~
Oh, but thank sweet baby Jesus, having my period doesn't make me pitchy (yes, I meant to write pitchy, not bitchy)! I am so plotting a karaoke takeover with my posse of beautiful Wisconsin Bloggers. You heard it here first, folks: the gauntlet has been thrown.
Wait, did I just throw the gauntet about karaoke or, rather did I throw a different gauntlet claiming that MaggieDammit, Mommy Always Wins and Ann's Rants are MY posse??
So, I'm getting pretty concerned with my shoe situation for BlogHer. As in: OMG, I AM SO FUCKING CONCERNED!!!! You may not know this about me (and Lord knows you already know too much) but I've got [ba-ba-buuuuuuum] Fallen Arches! Yes, it's true. I have orthotics, for cryin' out-freakin'-loud! This may not sound too serious to you. But to me, well, it spells hard times for a girl who wants to be prancing around on her stiletto heels all night. Actually, if I wear the proper footwear during the day and use the orthotics, I can make it through one night of extreme heel wearing unscathed. But TWO nights of heels.... God Forbid, THREE nights?? Well, my poor dogs will be barkin' all day and long into the night. So I am left with a fashion quandary that I am positive only Tim Gunn will be able to help me with: What shoes can this young(ish), sassy mommy wear on her old(okay, ancient)-beyond-their-years feet that will look as good as they
feel??
Right now, these Keen Sandals will NOT make the grade for BlogHer attire =========>
<=======Especially when all I want to wear are these!
Oh, no! Do I need to go buy Spanx to control my tummy pooch?
(Wait a second- aren't we almost ALL moms there??)
I don't have a nice blazer to wear if I get chilly during the lectures!
Should I go buy one?
Oh, crap, I only have one pair of sexy jeans and they are too low-rise to sit down while wearing!
What if I don't have $170 right now to go get another pair that will hide the crack o' my ass while still maintaining sufficient levels of hawt-ness!?!?
OH super crapola.... I just realized that I am due to get my period on the Friday of BlogHer. Expect supreme bitchiness and no emoticons to soften it up! Oh, No! :( or more tears than you might be comfortable with. Example:
Me: Wait a second. YOU are Bejewell?? Oh my Gaaaaawd! I LOVE you so much!!! I remember that time you wrote about going to the mall with your little Bean and then he fell down and then you just realized how amazing life is and how precious your family is and how much you love that little guy and your husband, too!" *sniff*sniff*Oh, you think I can't be that lame and sensitive while under the influence of Aunt Flow? Try me.
Bejewell: Yeah. I wrote that a couple weeks ago. I noticed that you commented for the first time in, like, six months. I thought that was cool.
Me: Yeah, well, you know.... *wiping away the quickly drying tears* We're all busy....
Bejewell: Oh! I think I see FADKOGª over there. Gotta run! Nice meeting you. *awkward offering of hand, pointedly NOT hugging*
[Turning to Ann] Me: Ouch. *dabbing at tears springing once more to eyes* That was awkward! *Sniff* *Bawling!* I just thought it would be like a big party here! I didn't realize I'd have to be an ardent admirer AND commenter for these beeetches to be nice!!! *wah-haa-haaa!*
ªDon't get your hopes up: FADKOG can't make it. :( Wait a sec.... I think some more waterworks are coming on! Boooohooohooo~sniffle~
Oh, but thank sweet baby Jesus, having my period doesn't make me pitchy (yes, I meant to write pitchy, not bitchy)! I am so plotting a karaoke takeover with my posse of beautiful Wisconsin Bloggers. You heard it here first, folks: the gauntlet has been thrown.
Wait, did I just throw the gauntet about karaoke or, rather did I throw a different gauntlet claiming that MaggieDammit, Mommy Always Wins and Ann's Rants are MY posse??
So, I'm getting pretty concerned with my shoe situation for BlogHer. As in: OMG, I AM SO FUCKING CONCERNED!!!! You may not know this about me (and Lord knows you already know too much) but I've got [ba-ba-buuuuuuum] Fallen Arches! Yes, it's true. I have orthotics, for cryin' out-freakin'-loud! This may not sound too serious to you. But to me, well, it spells hard times for a girl who wants to be prancing around on her stiletto heels all night. Actually, if I wear the proper footwear during the day and use the orthotics, I can make it through one night of extreme heel wearing unscathed. But TWO nights of heels.... God Forbid, THREE nights?? Well, my poor dogs will be barkin' all day and long into the night. So I am left with a fashion quandary that I am positive only Tim Gunn will be able to help me with: What shoes can this young(ish), sassy mommy wear on her old(okay, ancient)-beyond-their-years feet that will look as good as they
feel??Right now, these Keen Sandals will NOT make the grade for BlogHer attire =========>
<=======Especially when all I want to wear are these!
I am going to TRY and rock my pencil skirt! I will also try to rock my sexy low-rise jeans without getting in too much plumber-trouble (by wearing an appropriately long shirt, 'natch). And, I personally promise Tim that I will not don a sweatsuit of any ilk all weekend long! But, hey, I really need some help figuring out how to work with orthotics while making good fashion choices! Help Me!!
I leave you with The Dude:
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Jeeeeezus!! I'm glad I'm not going lol :))) But mmmmm, those shoes? Honey I hope you get 'em.....:)))) jUst remember to hug and kiss everyone and if they object say it was from Braja at Lost and Found and then you can say, "WWWHAAAAAT??? You don't know BRAJA?" and leave them feeling weak and lost and hey you win. Got that?
ReplyDeleteI think for once I'm glad I'm not going. . . Too much anxiety for me!
ReplyDeleteOMG you are hilarious. I'm sure you'll find the right things to wear. If I were going you'd be getting hug and possibly a stalker showing up every place you are LOL
ReplyDeleteI was pretty bummed that I wasn't going to Blogher, but now I know I would've completely cracked under the pressure.
ReplyDeleteYou, I know, will do just fine.
Especially if you leave the Keen sandals at home :-).
If you don't just kick off your shoes and go native at some point, I'd recommend platforms. Lots of cute, sexy styles available and without the pain and pressure of the regular high heel. And by the way? I think you're going to have a blast!
ReplyDeleteAre you kidding me? I'd be ALL OVER that hug! I am the QUEEN of the socially awkward hug. It's totally my thing.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, I won't be at BlogHer. Not enough moolah in the piggy bank to cover it. Wrote a really angsty post about it a few weeks ago. Guess we'll just have to find another way to make complete asses out of ourselves to each other.
YOU!! Gah, how I wish I was able to attend so I could meet you. One, because you're awesome, and two, because I'm scheduled to have my period that weekend, too, so, you know, we could alternately cry and snark. Then I would show you my insanely high (we're talking skysrapingly high) arches that should allow me to wear sexy heels but hi! check out these massive toe boxes. Wide shoes WITH orthotics all the way, baby!
ReplyDeleteSigh...I'll be on my couch, in ratty shorts and ugly shoes, eating ice cream, wishing I was there.
Are you sure there's gonna be karaoke? I have yet to see proof of said karaoke. I need proof. Please.
ReplyDeleteI am starting to panic about my wardrobe as well, mostly because wearing the exact same earth-toned cloggy outfit day and night may spark rumors of my being a recluse, and you KNOW I totally leave the house sometimes. Almost.
It should be a rule that all bloggers have to show up in their blog writing/reading attire. No. On second thought, no.
ReplyDeletePersonally, I find nothing wrong with low-rise plumber crack, but maybe that's just because I'm a guy.
ReplyDeleteOh fantastic! This is so like my internal monologue when I am trying to work out what to wear to something like this. hahaha! good luck with the shoes...
ReplyDeleteComedy Goddess: Oh, my. That would make for a hilarious convention! I was bra-less in my jammie top and pair of black leggings last night.... makeup sagging and looking generally haggard and wraith-like (except for the muffintop over the top of the too tight leggings-- wraiths are generally not so well-fed, as I understand it).
ReplyDeleteI'd be way MORE anxious about presenting that image to other bloggers!!
I know everything will be fine! If I have an off moment fashion-wise (and I will) then I always write it off as "being eccentric." Won't you play along with that for me?
Just make sure to take pictures, then we can all make fun of you after the fact.
ReplyDeleteI'm insecure enough as it is. Reading this post set me into an anxiety attack and I'm not even going. I bet you'll look amazing no matter what you wear, or choose not to wear for that matter! Have fun.
ReplyDeleteSo, uhm, does this mean you may take pity on me and give me a hug?
ReplyDeleteYeah, so I went shopping after work today…let me mention I HATE the mall…and came home almost empty handed. I’m beginning to think the song my daughter sings to me might be appropriate, Ohhhhh, Freak Out!”
Hope to see you there.
PS (not to be mistaken for PMS) Thank goodness I’m on the rag now!
Jeans, jeans and more jeans, that is my warddrobe. Period. oh sorry, no pun intended
ReplyDeleteWell if you fancy and we run into each other at BlogHer we can pitch your period against my soppy social anxiety. Then we can have super-awkward hug considering that you have no idea who I am.
ReplyDeleteI'm brining along my cute platform wedge but considering I have all-but flat feet I think I'll be the one walking around barefoot beforelong.
Whereabouts in England are you moving to? (I've lived in various places in the UK before settling down in London)
oh crap. am i supposed to be worrying about this?
ReplyDeleteI'm feeling better about my decision to not make it to BlogHer...I'd get eaten alive, apparently.
ReplyDeleteOh the pressure, the anxiety and the angst! I'm positive I would crack under all that scrutiny..........
ReplyDelete((okay, okay, I'll level with ya~~I'm unable to attend this year but am SOOO secretly wishing I could make it there!!! Sounds like massive fun to be had by all! sniffle sniffle......)
Damn, girl....have a blast!
Oh.My.Gwad. Huge crisis here!!! ;-) and I'm in the midst of "that time of the month" and you *sob* haven't *sob* visited or commented in eons *sobs uncontrollably and shorts out laptop*
ReplyDeleteWhile I am not attending BlogHer and while I would totally go with the absolutely comfortable shoes no matter what...
ReplyDeleteI just had to pop in to tell you that I am still reading your blog all the time even if I haven't commented in, like, 6 months.
Is that cool?
:)
OMG, I just found your blog and now love you and want to be your best friend.
ReplyDeleteOkay, so I sound crazy. But still.
I would wear a cape and nothing on under. That will freak them out!
OH and flip flops. So a cape and flip flops.
Yup.
Okay, this makes me almost glad that I'm not going. I am AWFUL with clothes and shoes and would have no idea what to do.
ReplyDeleteGranted, a part of me does wish I could go. Maybe next year. Maybe within that year I'll suddenly become a clothing expert or something.
I missed this post. So funny. So so funny.
ReplyDeleteRule of thumb when women get together in large groups: They're all so worried about how they look, they have no time to judge.
ReplyDeleteI have those orthotiky shoes but with no backs and in orange and they're pretty kickass. Although I love my heels.
Translation: I'd wear them if I wanted to (at BlogHer). I've never cared much what others think of my clothes as long as I approve of me.
ReplyDelete