Excellent Advice From The Best Psychiatrist Ever (IMHO)

I finally completed my ADD testing saga with a trip to a psychiatrist to discuss my case and discuss medication options. I did all my testing with a psychologist at the University while I was a student and TEN weeks of forms, interviews, histories, more paperwork, lots of talk, and three boxes of kleenex later-- I got the diagnosis of adult-ADD. Then I had to wait a couple months to get in to to see a psychiatrist and go over my options.

The woman psychiatrist, let's call her Dr. Wisemother, I ended up seeing could not be more perfectly matched to my profile if I had spent years researching choices. Really. She has FOUR boys, the youngest of which is 20 years old, so she has been there. I doubt there is anything I could say that she hasn't wrestled with herself or she wouldn't have sound advice or thoughts on. She has an excellent sense of humor and appreciates mine. She is smart, helpful and can weave an entertaining anecdote into any diagnosis. Seriously.

All that, and she can prescribe medication!!

But getting onto the advice thing... If you have been reading the blog for awhile, you know that I've been in therapy, my hubby and I are in marriage counseling, one of my sons has ADHD, so HE is in therapy, the other one was briefly in therapy for being "sensitive," and the youngest has been working with an OT for various little things like pushing over the little ones at school and drooling: So LOTS OF THERAPY!.... And Dr. Wisemother just whipped out this piece of advice in the first 15 minutes that just rocked my world.

A little bit more set-up for you: The main issue that brought us to marriage counseling has to do with the differing ways that Daddy-007 and I deal with the kids. He is, as he puts it, Captain HardAss. I am all about unconditional love alternating with extreme frustration and frazzlement. Probably a pretty typical marital dynamic (I know it was that way growing up in MY house - minus the yelling), but we had turned our arguments about the kids into a pathological fighting response between US (who cares what the kids thought, right? *shaking my head in disbelief*) over who was parenting the "right" way and "wrong" way. Neither of us could let go of our "foundations," i.e. how we were raised by our parents. I am pleased to report that the counseling has done wonders for us and has truly brought us back together in a way that has been missing for a long time. And, though still a work in progress, has made it possible for us to disagree about something without it turning into a complete war of attrition.

So, Dr. Wisemother asked me about why we had started counseling initially and I explained.... She looked me in the eye and she said, "Do you think he is abusing the kids?" And I said, "No! Not at all! He is just so hard on them all the time." And she said, "Look: Kids are insanely intelligent/intuitive when it comes to social interaction and the family dynamic. And when they look at you your husband, all they are going to say is 'Oh, that's just Dad.' or 'That's just Mom.' Because that is all they know! They'll grow up and they'll say, 'Oh, yeah, Dad is such a hardass and Mom is such a pushover.' And hopefully they'll know that Dad was so hard on them because that is how he shows that he loves them. And that Mom was such a pushover because that's how she knew how to love them. And if they need therapy, then they need therapy; but that is not YOUR problem. The way you interact with your husband, if you are running to "protect" the kids everytime he comes down on them is what will cause the kids to have issues, NOT the different ways that you handle parenting. You just need to let it go. And enjoy! I know you hear it all the time, but they'll grow up and be gone before you know it and they'll be fine."

I could go on for more and may continue on this theme tomorrow. I have to get Animal to school so we can make it to a meeting at Destructo's school to discuss his ADHD school plan at 8:45. I am wondering, though, does every house have this dynamic? Is this advice that would have made a difference if I'd gotten five years ago? Does it help YOU? I think it is so simple, so profound, and I wish that I had figured out that it is not MY problem a long, long time ago....

xoxo,
Amy

p.s. Sorry for any typos-- no time to go over this until later this afternoon.