Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Oh, No She DI'INT: Or, "Why'd He Have to Do It In MY Water Bottle??"

Let me start this post by saying that Daddy-007 and I are AWESOME parents. .... I mean it! .... Well, I mean we are mostly awesome parents. ...Ahem. ...At least we were yesterday.

After two snow days last week, the weekend, and then MLK,jr. Day off from school we couldn't take the freezing weather and cabin fever that had developed, so we ran off to the Wisconsin Dells for a day of flourescent lights and fun at Kalahari Indoor Waterpark. This is, quite literally, a WET DREAM for our kids. I mean there are wave pools, water slides, ice cream, massive kid play structures, and endless running around barefoot in bathingsuits. What's not to love?

The kids had an amazing day and we were all totally happy and exhausted when we piled into Daddy-007's Suburban. Everyone had their hearts' set on Red Robin (one of the kids' favorites) so we started the 45 minute drive back to Madison. Not three minutes into the drive (and a solid 7 minutes before the next exit), the Animal starts groaning, "Gotta pee!!"

Geeeeez! I howl, "You gotta be kidding me! I asked if you needed to go before we left three times and you said 'no.'!"

"Gotta pee, gotta pee, gotta pee!!!"

"Oh, honey, could you pull over at the next exit so the Animal can pee on the side of the road?"

"Absolutely, as soon as there's an exit."

No exit. No exit. No exit. F*ck!

"Gotta peeeeeeeeeee!"

Then Daddy-007 offers some age-old manly advice. "Don't we have a water bottle for him to pee in??"

Jeeeeeeeeezus. I look around and all we have are the new-fangled Siig aluminum water bottles that I brought for each of the kids so we wouldn't have to pay for overpriced water at the park. The Animal's is completely full, Desructo's is mostly full, and CC's is close-ish to empty. Sorry, kiddo, your bottle will be taking one for the team....

Daddy-007 unscrews the top and drains the last of the water while I get out of my seatbelt and unleash the Animal from his carseat. He hands me the bottle and I position it accordingly and the Animal relaxes as sweet relief floods across his face. Honestly, he did everything except sigh and say 'oh, yeaaaaaah.'

Meanwhile, CC has realized what the heck is going on and is like, "Oh my GOSH, why does he have to use MY bottle?!?! That is so disgusting!! Why didn't you use HIS bottle??"

As the bottle warms with the freshly deposited urine, CC starts to cry.

I'm feeling terrible (and annoyed at the same time) and tell CC not to worry, that I'll buy him another water bottle, I know where they sell them.

"You mean....YOU bought us those water bottles?" his suddenly shrinking voice asks with a fresh quiver.

Uh-oh, I sense a misstep. What the....? Oh, no! Those Siig bottles were *stocking stuffers*!!!

"No, honey, no, I didn't buy the water bottles, of course not! Santa brought them to you! ...I'm just saying that I know where I can get ones like them here in town."

Phew! That was a close one... If I'd killed Santa while holding a bottle for my son to pee in while moving at 70 mph in a car with two of us out of our seatbelts.... Well, now, that would've been pretty bad, wouldn't it?


  1. Pee and Santa. What could be better?

  2. So, since the Animal's water bottle was full, I guess he peed chlorinated water from the water park. Try telling CC that urine is sterile and see if he buys it. :)

  3. Oh, Lordy, that's funny!

    Good save, girlfriend!

  4. Amy - LOVE that story. The Santa twist really caught me by surprise - brilliant but I am so friggin' happy it ended well. Whew is right!!!!

    P.S. You guys seem like GREAT parents - like most of the time. :-)

  5. ohh, yes, the peeing in the bottle trick.
    The girls get so jealous..

  6. Goo saves all around! The MOTY award is in the mail ;)

  7. I need a holiday. No wait. YOU need a holiday. Your kids need a holiday? Santa needs a break for sure. You're awesome without a doubt, Miss Amy.

  8. Hilarious. Would write more but 2yrold is trying to maim computer.

  9. Kristina: Well, I could thing of a few things....

    Joanie: Oh, we totally told him that pee was sterile! When that didn't work, I would bleach the bottle. Run it through the dishwasher. Etc. Ad nauseum. alright FINE... New bottle!

    Janie: Thanks!

    Lee: Yeah, exactly. "Like most of the time." ;^)

    Errant: Yes, please, I'll take all the help I can get!

    Blog This: Ever seen a "Lady J"? 'Nuff said. :D (Oh my GAH!)

    Heinous: Thank you, thank you!! *pageant wave* I'll be here the rest of my LIFE!

    Braja: Oh, yeah! Save me a spot in the corner in Puri, will you? Mama definitely needs a break.

    Rants: I'd write more except I can barely even get to the computer this week! The Animal is home with a cold... blah.

  10. Every now and then, someone says something that just straight up amuses the hell out of me.

    "If I'd killed Santa while holding a bottle for my son to pee in while moving at 70 mph in a car with two of us out of our seatbelts..."

    That's just too good, Amy. :-)


  11. That was Fabulous!! Classic story!

  12. Hilarious. We've done the exact same thing, water bottle/pee AND the stocking stuffer gaff. Good save!

  13. So I've heard great things about your blog from my real-life bloggy friends, but that was freakin' hilarious! I can't wait to read more. You are one talented Mama!

  14. Ha! That so funny, I'm sitting here with a big ole smile! You crack me up everytime.

  15. we took our kids the Great Wolf Lodge last year ( total rip off for the rooms, the water is cold, crappy customer service.- kinda like being on a land locked crappy cruise ship) Some kids pulled the old Baby Ruth trick. OMG

    did you really use the wet dream reference? LOL

  16. That is hysterical. I just wish I could have been a fly on the wall for that one.

  17. That was waaaayyyy to close for comfort on the Atom Bomb of 'santa'.

  18. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

    I loved it! :)

    Okay... so we drove out like for two hours to go to this stupid mall that is ridiculously huge, it's like in the top five largest malls in Asia, and we get there and I'm starving so I buy an Evian and my husband freaks out 'cuz I paid like 200 PHP for a little bottle of water that's from the Swiss springs. My mother was there...she was, like, "How do you even know it's from the Swiss Alps? It's probably just tap water and they lie to you." And then I was like, "Okay, okay, I'm sorry, can we now move past the expensive bottle of water? Please?"

    And so now I shall be wise and stuff my car with water bottles, like you do!

    Thanks, Amysprite!


  19. Doesn't it stink to be the one to remember EVERYTHING!?

    LOL funny, but I feel for you.

  20. Hilarious! We only have outdoor water parks here in the South, but an indoor one sounds fantastic. Thanks for sharing this slice of family life -- and you are awesome parents!

  21. lol--I've never actually heard anyone learn of the secret identity of Santa due to water bottle urination before....classic!


Thoughts appreciated. Advice welcome. Douche-baggery scoffed at then deleted.