Sunday, November 09, 2008

Finally! Validation for the Purchase of Seven Jeans

First, if you haven't read yesterday's post: do so now. OK, now that that is out of the way, lets continue with this saga of drunken rockin'-ness.... I have left out an important part of K.'s and my evening: an employee of the bar, who I swear, is employed just to make all the girls horny and think that they've got a shot at getting laid that night. The only other place I have seen employ people for this purpose was at Nikki Beach in Miami's South Beach. There were girls there whose main job was to go out on the dance floor, make the fellas feel good and make sure that everyone is having, not just a good time, but the TIME OF THEIR LIFE. Check out this photo of the employee's uniform to see how they accomplish this: imagine this girl, in that dress, 6' feet tall....that's right: those cut-outs in the dress are just about eye leve for the average dude on the dance floor needing to have his ego inflated. Yow!! (I actually talked to one of the girls about their dress code and she assured me that the only thing you needed to look amazing in the dress were fake boobs, leading me to the realization that for girls in South Beach.... Boob jobs are not an optional enhancement, they are a required investment in their future.

Now: cut to snowy Wisconsin and imagine how a handsome party boy might be the answer to a small-town bar's question on how to get the clientèle to drink more and have a better time at their establishment than any other bar in the area. Enter "Andy." And his friend, Turtle (I think his name was Chris, but he looked so much like Turtle from Entourage that it rendered his real name irrelevant). These guys got the party started as soon as they took the mic away from the drunken ladies with their country sing-a-longs (which were great in their own way) and turned the volume up to 11 with a duet on "Big Butts" that also "FUCKING ROCKED!!!!!" After their first performance they started to mingle with the ladies. K. and I, social anthropologists and resident "old ladies" of the scene, were intrigued by this turn of events and inquired to find out more about this Andy, who quite literally had three women grinding on him on the dance floor. Apparently he was a bar employee and also has a girlfriend. The bartender who confirmed he had a girlfriend gave me this hilarious wide-eyed look with a shake of his head, like "I know it is impossible to believe and I pity the poor woman who has to deal with his flirting and grinding with every drunken lady patron who crosses our threshhold!" After I did "Creep" I got a bit of the Andy treatment, as I exited the stage and he and Turtle did the Night at the Roxbury SNL thing where they bounced me between their brawny chests. Not exactly a sexy grind, like the younger girls got, but I was comfortable with this level of attention. Heee!
The bar dudes performing "Big Butts"

At this point the evening starts to blur together a bit, as I was working on my 4th, maybe 5th, Beam and Coke. What I remember is thinking that I wanted to pick the most amazing finale song I could come up with and we couldn't leave until then. I picked Smashmouth "All Star" and, though it was alright, I didn't realize just how difficult it would be for me to sing that low, so I ended up feeling like I didn't sing very well, even though I think my exuberance (drunken exuberance) carried the song. So then I had to do just one more (thank God K. loves me) to go out with a bang. I was feeling crazy. I was feeling dangerous. I was feeling like..... QUEEN. And then I stepped to the edge, looked over it, and leaped. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY. Alright, alright, actually I only had the nerve to do this song because I recruited this lady who had been belting out some big songs throughout the night. She agreed to do the song with me even though she expressed some doubts that we could carry it off. I handed the piece of paper with the song info and our names to the DJ. His eyebrows went up. His assistant's eyebrows went up. Then they both nodded their heads, like yes, yes,.... this could be something amazing.... or disastrous.

Again, I would like to reiterate just how inebriated the joint was and how many people were on the dance floor and how I had just been swung around the dance floor by a twenty-something yummy and had another guy come up to K. and I to say that he would just like to say that 1.) I had a great ass (YES! Seven Jeans officially now worth their weight in gold.), 2.) I had an amazing voice, and 3.) Both of us were like totally hot for being moms and older and all. We told him we were 36 and that is when we got our back-handed compliment of "Wow! You totally don't look older than 32!" Thanks, young pup, thank you very much.

So, Riley and I finally get our names called to go perform. Bohemian Rhapsody comes up on title screen and the crowd is like "no, way, murmur, murmur,..." I say into the mic, "Hubris is wonderful thing, ya'll!! WHOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" (OMG, did I really say that?) And then we proceed to sing our hearts out. Riley was more than up to the task and, honestly, I felt like I was just trying to keep up with her for most of the song, but from the stage, it seemed like things were going pretty fantastic. K. informed me that during the instrumental break, while I was rocking and bouncing all over the stage, Riley was getting her ample bosoms signed by admiring audience members! I need the line prompt from the TV while I sing, so she was busy working the audience during the whole song, while I was getting my lines fed to me. And then the song ended and we got one more "THAT FUCKING ROCKED!!! OH MY GOD!!" I handed the mic back to the DJ and told him we had to go now and he asked if I was coming back tomorrow. I informed him that I would love to come back for an encore (again, did I really say that??) but that I had to return back to my real life as mom of three and super-wife. He encouraged me to come back to the Showboat anytime, they were there every weekend for karaoke. And I thought to myself, yes, I would like to come back here tomorrow night and every weekend hereafter. And then realized that maybe that was a little pathetic, but that it might be ok to want to come back at some point. I could drag my husband along so he could have a chance to bask in the glow of my rockstar amazing-ness. I like to keep him on his toes, reminding him that I am not just his wife and mother of our three hyper children but a vital, sexy woman that is even better than the young thing I used to be. Rooooooooar!

Now believe me when I say to you that I hope I don't come off as being completely self-deluded and hilariously vain.... I know I can be, but a night like this was just too awesome and I've never done karaoke where there was such a big crowd and I'm afraid that I am completely hooked and still a bit drunk from the high of having a crowd go nuts. It is about a million times better than working on dinner for hours and then having all your kids ask for hotdogs instead, folks, and in the wearisome drudgery of real-life I think a little self-delusion might be not just okay, but pretty super-fantastic.
Now--- leave a comment telling me about the best karaoke song you have done or wish you could do.


  1. I love Karaoke.. or let me clarify.. I love to watch karaoke. I love to watch my girlfriends get wasted and then stumble up to the stage and sing/scream Cher songs. Hmm.. but the best karaoke song?? I'll get back to ya!

  2. I've never had the nerve to do karaoke. I'm in awe of your awesomeness. Sounds like you had a great time and I'm just a wee bit jealous... ok, a lot bit jealous.

  3. Hey, I just saw on your profile that you are a "future librarian".. are you going to school for that?? If so, I am so jealous! That is what I always wanted to do!

  4. Honey I live in a village on the Ganges river in India. If I broke into Karaoke I'd be the official village idiot. But I gotta admit: sometimes I go to the temple near my home and when they're really kickin', I let rip :) OK OK it's not the same, so sue me...
    Anyway I am now your official follower, mostly because you have the same message as I do on my followers link...."go ahead you know you want to."

  5. Oh Amy you are TRUE Bollywood royalty. They just don't know it yet. I think you have a future here. I am still laughing from this post (somehow I had read your previous post and commented here...duh)


Thoughts appreciated. Advice welcome. Douche-baggery scoffed at then deleted.